The Breaking Dawn Battle Retold, A Perody
by the-forgotten-cullen-girl
Summary: A perody of the last battle in Breaking Dawn, complete with magical fairy dust and waterguns! Absolutly halarious! Disclaimer- I totally own Twilight! Wait...opps, sorry, I own nothing. BOOHOO! FYI, this is NOT meant to hate on Twilight, I am just playin


A Twilight Parody: The Breaking Dawn Battle Retold

_(Everyone is in the baseball field, the Volturi are entering)_

_Aro- (Addresses crowd) _Hello, good people, and welcome to the annual No-Reason-Killing-Spree-By-The-Volturi-Event!

_Witnesses- (Polite Applause)_

_Aro- _Now, in an already failed attempt to pretend that we don't just like killing and are truly after justice, we must first interrogate the victims---I mean, the defense. (_Skips over to Edward, Bella, and the rest of the gang)_

_Aro- _Present your evidence that we should not kill you all!

_Edward-_ Here you are, sir. _(Holds out a squirming Emmet)_

_Bella- _Edwardikins, dear, that's not our mutant daughter. That's your brother.

_Edward- _Oh, opps, I mix them up a lot. _(Throws Emmet over his shoulder to Rosalie, who is too busy filing her nails to catch him. Holds out Renesmee)_

_Edward- _Aro, I present to you Renesmee!

_Aro-_ Out of all the names in the world, you pick "Renesmee"?! What kind of vampires are you?!

_Bella_- I've been wondering that myself…

_Edward- _Never mind our daughter's almost-unpronounceable name! Can't you see that she is not a full vampire child? She's only a mere half-vampire mutant baby, and what's the harm in that?!

_Bella- _I can think of a lot of reasons that could be harmful…

_Edward- _Shut up, love.

_Bella- _Okaydokey.

_Aro_- I'm going to pretend you guys aren't having a private conversation in front of me, and continue.

_Edward- _Yes, please.

_Aro-_ (_Addresses crowd) _After careful examination of one of the victims---I mean, defense members---

_Bella- _"Careful examination?" All you did was glance at her!

_Aro- _Oh, who cares? We all know I wouldn't give a damn if you all were innocent! I've been waiting for a chance at a good fight for centuries! No one can stop me now! Mwahaha!

_Carlisle- _Um, Aro? Can we continue? I have a really important meeting at the hospital in thirty minutes, and I'd like not to miss it.

_Aro_- Certainly, dear enemy-brother. Now, where was I before I went into a crazed-evil-villain rant? Oh yes, as I was saying…After careful examination of one of the defense members, the one that was the fake-cover-up reason for why we came here today, I have decided to let everyone go free!

_Bella- _Are you serious?!

_Aro- _No.

_Bella-_ Oh…ok, continue then.

_Aro- _I have instead decided to question the witness. Come here, Irina.

_Irina- (Comes over to Aro, Bella, and Edward) _Yes?

_Aro- _Would you please explain why you thought this child was an illegal vampire baby, when the mistake is so easy to be made that I shouldn't punish you for it?

_Irina- _Um…I don't think I understand what you're---

_Aro- _Enough said! I hate you! (_Pulls out a water gun and shoots Irina with it. Irina falls to the ground.)_

_Aro- _Well, that was easy!

_Kate- _(_Lurches toward Aro) _You killed my sister, prepare to die!

_Tanya-(Lurches toward Aro also) _What she said!

_Carlisle- _Now now, girls, no fighting allowed.

_Kate- _You have got to be kidding me

_Carlisle- _Nope. _(Restrains Kate and Tanya with the hel__p of some other vampires we never really get to meet)_

_Edward_- So, Aro, what have you decided? I'm asking even though I can read your mind because I just like listening to myself talk.

_Bella- _I like listening to you talk too, Edwardikins!

_Jacob- _Me too!

_Edward- (Backs away from Jacob in disgust) _Um…anyway, Aro, decision time?!

_Aro- _I think I'll have to have a little powwow with my fellow Volturi and get right back to yah on that one!

_(The Volturi gather to discuss, and the Cullens and their witnesses break into conversation.)_

_Edward- _Well, looks like they want to kill us all…better luck next time people!

_Bella- _No! Don't give up hope yet! _(Throws magical fairy dust into the air, which forms a giant cloud around the Cullens and their witnesses, protecting them)_

_Edward- _You have magical fairy dust?! We are so totally gunna win!

_Bella- _Yep, it's one of the many things I've been keeping from you and lying to you about! Aren't you proud of me!?

_Edward- _Defiantly, cause I never get mad when I should.

_Bella- _Thank God! Cause otherwise, I'd be dating Mike Newton like a normal human, instead of being married to a vampire at the age of 18 with a mutant child, and I wouldn't be about to get blown to smithereens by some crazy, foreign, ancient vampires! And what would be the fun in that?!

_Edward- _Exactly my point, love, dear, sweetheart, honey, sugar bun, baby, wife, freak.

_Bella- _I sure do get a lot of names…

_Edward- _That's cause I can't remember "Bella" that well, so I just pick a random one off the top of my head.

_Bella- _Nice strategy! That's just like when I can't decide between you or Jake, I just play eni-meni-mino-mo!

_Jacob- _Nice knowing I had a fair chance.

_(The Volturi are discussing)_

_Aro- _Bella has magical fairy dust!?

_Jane- _Well, so much for that one.

_Caius- _Yep, we're screwed.

_Marcus- _You can say that again.

_Caius- _Yep, we're screwed.

_Jane- _That was a rhetorical response, Caius. You are so stupid.

_Aro- _Jane, enough. We must concentrate on the problem at hand!

_Marcus- _Which is…?

_Aro- _How to get past the magical fairy dust that is shielding our enemies!

_Caius_- And why, exactly, do we want to get past it?

_Jane- _Yah, I really don't want to get magical fairy dust all over my new evil vampire robes…

_Aro- _But we have to get past the magical fairy dust to kill all those enemies!

_Marcus- _Why do we have to kill them, again?

_Aro_- Cause…well….JUST CAUSE!

_Caius- _Ok, I'm cool with that reason.

_Jane- _Fine by me.

_Marcus- _Why didn't I join the good guys side?!

_Jane- _Excuse me, Marcus?

_Marcus- _Nothing, ma'm.

_Jane_- That's what I thought.

_Aro- _So, what's our plan?!

_Caius- _How bout we just play it by ear?

_Aro- _Sounds like a plan to me! Are you ready men?

_Caius- _Ayahyah, Captain!

_Marcus- _Let's blow this popsicle joint

_(Marcus, Aro, and Caius lock arms and dramatically advance towards Bella, Edward, and Renesmee. Spy music is playing in the background.)_

_Aro- (Spy music fades) _We have decided on our plan of action!

_Caius- _No, we haven't!

_Marcus- _Shut up and let the old man do the talkin', Caius!

_Aro- _We have decided to…um, take a vote! Caius, Marcus, and I will vote on if we think this adorable little mutant baby should live! And of course, I will vote last, to raise suspense!

_Caius- _Die, baby, Die!

_Marcus-_ I really don't care…but I'd like to kill someone today.

_Aro- _Then the decision is up to me!

_Edward- _No it isn't, they both already voted for killing the child, that's more than half the votes.

_Aro- _Yes, yes, I know. But it sounds so much cooler if I say that!

_Edward- _Whatev, just make it fast.

_Bella- _Yah, I need to go meet with some secret document-fraud guy that hits on me constantly.

_Edward- _I'll deal with that one later, dear.

_Bella- _Ok!

_Aro- _What is it with you people and having private conversations right in front of me?! As I was saying…

_Edward- _(_Hears something in his head and starts jumping up and down with glee) _OMG! OMG! I LOVE ALICE!

_Bella- _I thought you loved me! WHAHAHAHA!

_Edward_- No, love, I just meant that I'm happy that Alice is about to run over here and save all our butts!

_Bella- _Yippi!

_Aro- _Dang it.

_(Alice, Japser, and some other random people come running into the field.)_

_Alice-_ To the rescue!

_Jasper-_ _(Groans) _When did I sign up for this?!

_Alice- (Ignores Jasper, addresses the trees) _I have come to free you all!

_Edward- _Um, Alice? Over here!

_Alice- (Turns to Edward, Bella, and the rest of the gang) _Opps, sorry! I have come to free you all!

_Aro-_ And what makes you say that, my little pretty?

_Alice- (Walks over to Aro and snaps her fingers in a "Z" in his face) _First of all, you do NOT call me "My Little Pretty!" Only Jazzypoo can do that.

_Jasper- (Groans again) _God, please help me.

_Alice- (Continues to ignore Jasper and talk to Aro) _Secondly, I have brought evidence that Renesmee, the little mutant vampire baby, is of no harm and may walk free upon this Earth!

_Bella- _Get on with it, Alice.

_Alice- _Yes, you are exactly right, Bella, I should hurry up. I need to take Nessie shopping and then I need to go to that Paris fashion show and---

_Edward- _ALICE! FOCUSS!

_Alice- _Sorry, Eddie. Now, as I was saying…I have brought you a random kid named Namoal!

"Namoal"- Um, it's not Namoal, it's Nahuel.

Alice- Whatever, Nafool! The point is, I'm back! And I'm savin' the day, even though everyone knew I would be coming back to save the day, because Stephanie Meyer doesn't have the guts to finish me off, and I am just too amazing of a character to kill off…So, take THAT, Aro!

_Bella- _Maybe you could explain some more…Alice?

_Alice- _Sure thing, sista! Napoul, will you do the honors?

_Nahuel- (After clarifying his name, launches into a three hour speech about himself that goes all the way back to his caveman ancestors, and puts everyone to sleep…which is a great feat, considering that they are vampires…)_

_Aro- (After Nahuel is finished, and everyone has woken up) _So, what you are trying to say, Nagool, is that you are a half-breed mutant vampire, like Renesmee, and we shouldn't kill her because there is no reason?

_Nahuel- _IT'S NAHUEL! And yes, that's the basic point.

_Aro- _You could have just said that!

_Nahuel- _Well, yah…but what would be the fun in that?!

_Aro- _Good point, carry on then.

_Edward- _Aro, you have gotten proof that killing Renesmee is a bad idea, and you would have to be mean, evil, gross, and cruel to do it.

_Aro-_ I think I meet all of those guidelines! Yah!

_Marcus- (Stepping in front of Aro) _As much as I would like to kill someone today, I think it would be a bad idea to kill the child with all of these mighty-fine witnesses we skillfully brought with us.

_Caius- _Yah, you can't kill her now that they all know the truth.

_Aro- _DAMN YOU EVIL GOOD GUYS! I HATE MY LIFE! WHAHAHAHA!

_(Aro, Marcus, Caius, and the rest of their gang leave, and the Cullens and crew rejoice)_

_Bella- _We did it! We survived! (_Makes out with Edward as the forest burns down)_

_Alice- _We did it! We survived! _(Makes out with Jasper)_

_Esme- _I never get any lines in the fight scenes! (_Makes out with Carlisle)_

_Rosalie- (Skips sappy lines and just makes out with Emmet)_

_Jacob- (Holding Renesmee) _Just a few more years, just a few more years…

_All Readers- _ARE YOU SERIOUS?! After all that foretelling and torture that everyone was going to die, they all live and the only person that dies is the person that was whole reason for the problem?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

_Reality-_ Yeppers

_Insane Fan Girl Sappy Readers- _OMG! That is sooooo sweet! I love it!

_Sane Readers- _You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

_Reality- _Nope.

_Sane Readers- (Throws book on the floor and stomps on it while screaming)_


End file.
